My deadly secrets

Never do I want to be here again and I don't remember why I came...

2009-01-03T15:59:00.000-08:00

There are two reasons why I went through with the move Firstly because I knew that I wasn't sane enough to live by myself (though now I don't care if I go insane again).

The second reason was to please my family, so they could be happy. Now I fear that my family are falling apart. Communication has never been a strong point in my famly, but now it seam that everyone is expecting the other to read their mind. It doesn't effect my sister she's gone in a week. But me, I have to stay here. I have no choice, I have to stay. And I can't ask for help because it would just be another trial on my famliy. Not that I really want help.

I often imagin just packing a bag and running, but for this to have the best effect I only have like 4 times in a day I could do it. I don't know where I would go. Maybe I would just run to die. Be like a cat, just go and find a nice place that I would want to die. And then just sleep. It sound quite a nice idea.

I have nothing really to live for, before I moved I had my job and I was reconecting with my friends. Now I have nothing. My friends, my only safety is 300 miles away. I don't know if I have enough desire to survive for something I might see again. For people who might remember me.

I don't feel like talking very much anymore. I like silence. My sister on the other hand does not. she is constanly humming, tapping or something or other. There is always noise. I don't mind music, I can control music and I can have it reflect my mood. But what other people do does not reflect my mood.

I just wish I were alone... -X-X-

To those who will listern... I want to plead insanity.

2009-01-02T14:39:00.001-08:00

But the thing is I don't want a new start, I was quite... comfortable with my old life. Now I live in a village, where everyone knows everything about everybody. Tonight I was supposed to go next door to the pub and meet the other 18 year olds. I didn't go. I don't want new friends. I want the same people I had down there. It feels like everyone is trying to control my life, make me who they want me to be. I don't want to learn to drive. I don't know what I want to do, if I want to go back to college. I just need time to figure it all out. Why can't I just have time? Its my life, why can't I have control over it?

I want to lose it, I really do. I want to go insane and scare myself. I already know that none of it is enough. I can't feel it. Too much damage has been done for me to feel it now. Thats a shame, I need more now more than ever.

There is a slightly scary fact. I want to fall. I want to see how far I can push myself. Sometimes, when I'm being perticualy self distructive, I will get this smlie, only I know it. When I think about my demise... it graces my lips and nobody know what I'm thinking about but me. I get lost in it. I get consumed by it.

I like it when I'm at or near my lowest. I know I can handly myself. The happier, saner that I get the less I know myself. That wrong... If I'm not going crazy then I'm a stranger to myself. Its not something that I like to admit but its true. There is always a thought in the back of my head when I'm 'Better' that I know any second the Bell Jar could fall agin.

I like insanity ... I know it.

Drinking alone, Thats a bad thing isn't it?

2008-09-28T10:25:00.000-07:00

Well, work was shit today, Most Sundays are. It was futile things, but they got to me.
And this is the first time I've felt down since Tuesday/Wednsday.

I hate how I can be feeling great then, one thing will go wrong and then I'm right back to where I started. So this is why I worry so much, if it just takes one thing to destry myself then how can I live, not that I'm particually Suicidal at the moment. So the thing is what if a REALLY big thing happens befoer I sort myself out, what if this thing sends me spiraling out of control. (I have quite good control at the moment.

Well I'll stop now, I have pizza in the oven.

-X-X-