Never do I want to be here again and I don't remember why I came...

There are two reasons why I went through with the move Firstly because I knew that I wasn't sane enough to live by myself (though now I don't care if I go insane again).

The second reason was to please my family, so they could be happy. Now I fear that my family are falling apart. Communication has never been a strong point in my famly, but now it seam that everyone is expecting the other to read their mind. It doesn't effect my sister she's gone in a week. But me, I have to stay here. I have no choice, I have to stay. And I can't ask for help because it would just be another trial on my famliy. Not that I really want help.

I often imagin just packing a bag and running, but for this to have the best effect I only have like 4 times in a day I could do it. I don't know where I would go. Maybe I would just run to die. Be like a cat, just go and find a nice place that I would want to die. And then just sleep. It sound quite a nice idea.

I have nothing really to live for, before I moved I had my job and I was reconecting with my friends. Now I have nothing. My friends, my only safety is 300 miles away. I don't know if I have enough desire to survive for something I might see again. For people who might remember me.

I don't feel like talking very much anymore. I like silence. My sister on the other hand does not. she is constanly humming, tapping or something or other. There is always noise. I don't mind music, I can control music and I can have it reflect my mood. But what other people do does not reflect my mood.

I just wish I were alone... -X-X-

To those who will listern... I want to plead insanity.

But the thing is I don't want a new start, I was quite... comfortable with my old life. Now I live in a village, where everyone knows everything about everybody. Tonight I was supposed to go next door to the pub and meet the other 18 year olds. I didn't go. I don't want new friends. I want the same people I had down there. It feels like everyone is trying to control my life, make me who they want me to be. I don't want to learn to drive. I don't know what I want to do, if I want to go back to college. I just need time to figure it all out. Why can't I just have time? Its my life, why can't I have control over it?

I want to lose it, I really do. I want to go insane and scare myself. I already know that none of it is enough. I can't feel it. Too much damage has been done for me to feel it now. Thats a shame, I need more now more than ever.

There is a slightly scary fact. I want to fall. I want to see how far I can push myself. Sometimes, when I'm being perticualy self distructive, I will get this smlie, only I know it. When I think about my demise... it graces my lips and nobody know what I'm thinking about but me. I get lost in it. I get consumed by it.

I like it when I'm at or near my lowest. I know I can handly myself. The happier, saner that I get the less I know myself. That wrong... If I'm not going crazy then I'm a stranger to myself. Its not something that I like to admit but its true. There is always a thought in the back of my head when I'm 'Better' that I know any second the Bell Jar could fall agin.

I like insanity ... I know it.

Drinking alone, Thats a bad thing isn't it?

Well, work was shit today, Most Sundays are. It was futile things, but they got to me.
And this is the first time I've felt down since Tuesday/Wednsday.

I hate how I can be feeling great then, one thing will go wrong and then I'm right back to where I started. So this is why I worry so much, if it just takes one thing to destry myself then how can I live, not that I'm particually Suicidal at the moment. So the thing is what if a REALLY big thing happens befoer I sort myself out, what if this thing sends me spiraling out of control. (I have quite good control at the moment.

Well I'll stop now, I have pizza in the oven.

-X-X-