But the thing is I don't want a new start, I was quite... comfortable with my old life. Now I live in a village, where everyone knows everything about everybody. Tonight I was supposed to go next door to the pub and meet the other 18 year olds. I didn't go. I don't want new friends. I want the same people I had down there. It feels like everyone is trying to control my life, make me who they want me to be. I don't want to learn to drive. I don't know what I want to do, if I want to go back to college. I just need time to figure it all out. Why can't I just have time? Its my life, why can't I have control over it?
I want to lose it, I really do. I want to go insane and scare myself. I already know that none of it is enough. I can't feel it. Too much damage has been done for me to feel it now. Thats a shame, I need more now more than ever.
There is a slightly scary fact. I want to fall. I want to see how far I can push myself. Sometimes, when I'm being perticualy self distructive, I will get this smlie, only I know it. When I think about my demise... it graces my lips and nobody know what I'm thinking about but me. I get lost in it. I get consumed by it.
I like it when I'm at or near my lowest. I know I can handly myself. The happier, saner that I get the less I know myself. That wrong... If I'm not going crazy then I'm a stranger to myself. Its not something that I like to admit but its true. There is always a thought in the back of my head when I'm 'Better' that I know any second the Bell Jar could fall agin.
I like insanity ... I know it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment